So, I started a new job recently. For a variety of reasons, I didn’t want to stay at my previous job, and decided to look for something new. I found it, or it found me, whatever, and I thought perhaps a change was in order.
Since then, though, I’ve had the nagging feeling that perhaps that wasn’t the change I was supposed to make. It started back before Christmas, when I was perusing my wishlist on Amazon, trying to decide how to spend a gift card I’d received. One book on my list led me to another, and I found several I wanted to read, but didn’t want to buy. Brian suggested I see if I could get them on interlibrary loan. I did that on our next trip to the library, and then promptly forgot that I’d requested them in all the busyness leading up to Christmas (and Brian’s birthday shortly thereafter!). When the requested books happened to cross my mind, I figured, well, I haven’t heard anything, I guess they weren’t able to find them. And I promptly forgot again.
Surprise, surprise, I got an e-mail from the library a few days ago, saying my books were in! Huzzah! Brian was kind enough to pick them up for me. When I got home, I took a look at what I’d gotten. One of my finds was a book called I Could Do Anything If I Only Knew What It Was: How to Discover What You Really Want and How to Get It.
Anyone who’s known me for a while knows that for a long time (pretty much since giving birth to Julian), I’ve struggled with a desire I never realized I had – the desire to be home with/for my family. Growing up, it was understood that I was smart and I would go to college and Make Something Of Myself. It was never discussed, it just was. So I went to college and went to law school, and started on the roundabout career path that’s gotten me where I am now. I never took a job with much thought given to whether I really liked the job, or whether it was something I felt passionate about. Rather, I took the job that offered the best salary and the best benefits for my family, and just sucked it up (and the job I held the longest was, ironically, the one where I was the most miserable).
This week, that yearning to have more flexibility for family came right out and bonked me on the head. Hard. On the way to school earlier this week, Thing Two said he wished he could be a car rider. I explained that I couldn’t pick him up as a car rider, because I had to stay at my work past the time I’d need to be at school to pick him up. He thought a minute, then said, “If you just stayed home while I was at school, you could pick me up as a car rider.” Out of the mouths of babes, huh? He’s 4.
Then yesterday, Thing One woke up just SOBBING. He said he couldn’t stop crying, and after something for headache and stomachache and a big glass of water and lots of hugs and many tears, he finally said, “I don’t want you to leave meeeeeeeeeeeee!” (Still not sure what prompted the whole crying jag. Is this puberty hormones kicking in?!) And my heart broke a little more.
Obviously, having more flexibility for my family wouldn’t mean either of the boys could skip school – they still have to get an education. But more flexibility would mean I could be there if something comes up where they really need me, and I wouldn’t have to worry about a boss being perturbed that I’d have to leave work early, or running out of sick days, things like that.
So yeah, I’m reading this book, and my kids are saying and doing these things, and it’s got me thinking. And you know what happens when I start thinking! LOL The book is very interesting – lots of exercises to work through. Right now, I’m reading, doing the exercises, praying for guidance and for wisdom. Whatever happens, it won’t be an immediate process. I’m certainly not ready to quit my day job right now. LOL More blog posts to come, no doubt!